The Journey to Forgiveness of Self

Self-forgiveness is a journey. A very long one.

I'm still journeying through it.

It's not necessarily a joyful experience. For me, it has been one of self-healing.

Have you ever been so frustrated with yourself that you wanted to fight yourself? Like actually separate yourself into two people and start throwing hands?

Looking in the mirror can be hard. Some days are better than others. Sulking and crying feel useless. I've applied every coping mechanism I know, but sometimes I still feel like a bottomless pit, never quite satisfied.

What makes it harder is that the thing I'm most disappointed in myself about is something I have to face daily.

• I can't run away from it.
• I can't hide from it.
• I can't toss it to the side.

So how do I make room to grow from something I can't get away from? How do I stop myself from having the worst thoughts or being buried in bitterness? How do I not take out how I feel on others? How do I love myself again?

I've learned that disappointment can go deeper than being disappointed in someone else. When the person you're disappointed in is yourself, you don't get to create distance.

You have to face yourself every day.

And for me, that has taught me about God's mercy and compassion.

The self-loathing I experience goes back to childhood. I was introduced to something so shameful that I believe it began shaping my identity. I became more shy, timid, felt unworthy, and struggled with my self-worth.

I started seeing more of this in my adult years through how I allowed people to treat me and talk to me. I could put on a tough front, but deep down, I was still a hurting child.

I really want to overcome this.

Fear

Change comes on the other side of fear.

This is my overcoming season.

I will do and say the things that need to be said and done. I will not be afraid of losing something or someone.

God is the only One I reverence.

Forgive me, God, for every time I didn't reverence You.

Joy

Allow yourself to be happy.

Every day, make the choice.

Take it a day at a time.

Do what you would rather be doing. Allow yourself to experience joy without feeling like you have to punish yourself forever.

Quiet the Overwhelming Thoughts

Don't allow every negative thought to become truth.

Your life is shaped by the thoughts you continually entertain, so think better thoughts about yourself.

Not dishonest thoughts. True thoughts.

Thoughts that agree with what God says about you instead of what shame says about you.

Fall in Love With What God Created

God created me.

He knows about every mistake I've ever made. He sees me in every aspect of life, even the parts of myself that I struggle to accept.

And still, I am His.

So I am learning to love what God created.

I am His vessel.

I am still on this journey. I am still learning how to forgive myself, how to receive mercy, and how to love myself again.

But I'm learning that I can be disappointed in myself without condemning myself.

I can take responsibility and still heal.

And little by little, I can learn to see myself through the compassion of the God who already sees all of me.

— Victoria